Designer Consequences
Whats the point? Why do we discipline our children? What are we trying to accomplish?
Punishment is not discipline. Punishment doesn't makes a person better it simply makes them more careful. The message of punishment is this: If you don't obey me, bad things will happen to you. If you inconvenience or embarrass me, I will inconvenience or embarras you.
The goal of discipline is to teach your child how to restore the relationship they damaged. We should discipline our children the critical skill of making things right with the people they have wronged.
Effective discipline requires two things from your child: confession and restitution
Acts of disobedience dishonors someone; discipline connects the dots between actions and the people affected.
When honoring others is the chief value in a family, disobedience, dishonesty, and disrespect are problematic because they dishonor another person. They damage a relationship. At the heart of every transgression is a someone, not a something.
A better posture to take when your kids misbehave is, Oh no! That reaction keeps you and your child on the same team relationally. Oh no! is siding with your child against disobedience. Its Oh no! We -you and I- are so sorry you did that because now you will have to face the consequences. Oh no! I am for you, and I hate that you are going to be penalized for your behavior.
Don't preassign consequences because it sends the message, not only am I expecting you to mess up, I am also prepared for it. Worse, it robs your child of the opportunity to honor you by obeying without the threat of a consequence.
Art of relationship restoration: 1) train them to apologize properly (apologize in complete sentences. A good apology always includes a pronoun "I am sorry". Then they should name their offense with a verb "I am sorry I lied to you"); 2) your children should apologize to everyone affected by their actions; 3) leverage the apology for maximum impact. Make it an event, face to face. With eye-contact.
Teach your child to follow every apology with, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" Restitution is the process of making up the honor they owe the other person.
When your children are young help them figure out how restitution works.
It is okay if your children don't like you now if it means they will appreciate you later. Because later is longer.
Disciplining with the relationship in mind is not the same as disciplining with your reputation in mind. In fact, disciplining with reconciliation and restoration in mind will eventually conflict with protecting your reputation.
When your child's behavior puts your reputation on the line, it does something else as well. it provides you with a premier opportunity to demonstrate to your child that they are more important to you than your reputation in the community.
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